Mother Daughter Conflict: Why Is My Mother So Difficult? 3 Insights To Help
Posted: Tuesday, October 14, 2008
by Joyce Lee
joyceleelifecoach.com
The Daughter and Mother relationship is foundational to how well balanced you grow up to be.
Your Mom is supposed to love you unconditionally, and support you no matter what. She should be your biggest cheerleader and always, always be there for you when you get a boo-boo. That is her job.
Everyone wants to get along with her Mom. You are biologically programmed to look to her for nurturing. When she isn't capable of providing that nurturing, it upsets a primal balance.
1.You Can't Give What You Don't Have
Your Mom learned how to nurture from the line of women before her. If those relationships weren't solid and warm and nurturing, your Mom wouldn't have gotten her needs met, she wouldn't have learned what an intimate, loving Mother/Child bond feels like.
For clues of this, look back to the level of intimacy on your Mom's side of the family. How does she relate to her Mom? How does she talk about her Grandmother?
2. You Can't Change Your Mom. You Can't Create In SomeOne Else's Reality
Ok... let's say that for whatever reasons, you have determined that your Mom is not capable of giving you the level nurturing and support you would like.
Continuing to set her up to do what she can't do is as helpful as banging your head against the wall. She will continue to fail your tests and you will continue to be disappointed.
Turn your focus instead to having a healthy relationship given your circumstances. Take your focus off your Mom's shortcomings and look for her strengths instead. If that is not realistic given your current state of being, at least work at letting her off your hook.
3. Time to Put On Your Big Girl Attitude.
Once you are a woman you need to take responsibility for your own energy and happiness. Your level of joy is your responsibility.
If there is baggage from the past, do what you need to do to sort it out, release what needs to be released, resolve what needs resolving.
Educate yourself about codependent sobriety. Learn what behaviors are healthy and which are not. Stand up and be the healthy nurturing woman you want to be.
4. Do Not Forward a Dysfunction.
It should go without saying that Ii you are a Mom yourself, make sure that you are not passing the legacy on to your child(ren). You are solely responsible for your own integrity.
You can learn to be nurturing, you can learn to love unconditionally.
Be the woman you want to be. You can heal all manner of woundings when you decide that your personal energy and happiness matter more to you than holding grudges, being judmental and victim thinking. Namaste
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)hi joyce,as a mother of a distant daughter, i can relate.and i had to let go. her life is not mine, she is 23, she's not a baby, and the consequences of her actions fall on her. we mothers also love our daughters more than they will ever understand or accept. thanks for sharing, and keep writing,best regards,sue
After reading this article, We have a problem that is similar but with a 15yr old and the mother has come a disfunctional family, and has gone thru a familar problem that she was right and nothing could change it. What do we handle this?
A daughter is THE most precious gift given to a woman. Invest the time and together you can climb the steep mountains, overcome whatever life throws at you, knowing that you and your daughter are there for each other, the strongest bond ever seen in human existence.ElfredaA great article Joyce.
My mother and I just got into a conflict. I cried and cried.. I grew up for 16 years without her cause she needs to work. And now that were together, we are facing many challenges. I can't understand her. She can't understand me. You know.. I feel so alone. Like I'm just by myself. But you know what.. She is the best person God gave to me.:( I love my mother so much. But we always fight. And it bugs me alot.. I suffer Anxiety. I hope we can make it.
My mother and I just got into a conflict. I cried and cried.. I grew up for 16 years without her cause she needs to work. And now that were together, we are facing many challenges. I can't understand her. She can't understand me. You know.. I feel so alone. Like I'm just by myself. But you know what.. She is the best person God gave to me.:( I love my mother so much. But we always fight. And it bugs me alot.. I suffer Anxiety. I hope we can make it.
Why the role reversal when daughters grow up? A mother cannot tell her anything but POSITIVE thigs, not real life happenings like ilness of another family member.My daughter thinks I should be running around the block and doing things her friends Mom's do...I am a retired Nurse and did more than my share of doing for others, and running for twelve hour days ...Full time, not once in awhile to make her life better...Too busy to call and say hello? Never busy for her friends ...I am who I am as I told her...she does not have children and will not have any now...she is much too old...and will not adopt
i agree with the points of this article... but what if the major conflict with my mom is communication?i try to talk to her and convince her that it's time for her to chill and live the life she always wanted, instead all she gets is blablabla she hears the exact opposite and thinks i am blaming her for i dont know what. i dont understand what's wrong with our communication.i ask her to stop nagging about my career-life and what i should do and what i shoudnt coz she overdoes it and keep complaining that my hobbies are taking most of my time, whereas the truth is i am planning for my masters degree and my hobbies are just a way to release the stress. but even when i tell her that, all she hears is that i am not being thankful for her advices ....and the stupid conflict goes on and on..we're only in peace when we are not talking, which is really illogical..now all i want is to leave this unbearable place.. :(
what about....exhusbands trying to sabotage the bond between a mother and a child.....from the ages of 2 years old.....he would return her early from access weekend....and because I wasn't expecting them until much later....i was out doing groceries etc....he gets at the house with her and says....see....your mother would have been home if she really cared for you...she mustn't love you....so when you get home.....even if it is much earlier than the time that she is suppose to arrive and instead...he is waiting at the end of the street...drives fast and behind your car and starts yelling at you "where were you" in front of your daughter making it look to her that I was the one that was late and didn't care about her or wanted her .....and he continued to do things like this throughout the years....how does a daughter and mother gets through that kind of ongoing hell.....and when I do get upset with her....or through the years had to give her consequence etc.....it was like reinforcing she was not loved when I had no clue what was happening...half the time....how do you tell your daughter we were both set up....and she was used to hurt me....as this was the only thing that mattered out of everything in the world is my bond with my child.....I am tired of being blamed....yet I have been set up.....and she doesn't want anything to do with me.....i love her and always will......
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